Is your toddler trying to kill you and why yes?

Your toddler has started walking and it became an unstoppable force of nature. There is nothing they can’t do; no matter how many times you try to convince them otherwise.

You probably couldn’t wait for this day to come, but the moment it happened you realized what you brought upon yourself. Now they have so many ways to get hurt.

At least before they were relatively stationary and they couldn’t reach everything, but now, everything is fair game. Cutlery drawer? You mean their new favorite toys? Bookshelf? Do you mean their new adventure park? But put all those scary thoughts on the side for a moment, and join me on a trip through even scarier ones.

Have you noticed that since your toddler is becoming more and more confident and self-sufficient, there have been some accidents you can’t really explain? Well you can, and the explanation is correct. Your toddler is trying to kill you.

How is your toddler trying to kill you?

Example number 1.

Building blocks and Lego bricks are placed on strategic places through your house guaranteeing that you will step on them at least once during your day. You probably haven’t noticed but a lot of them are placed in convenient places around the stairs. Imagine your innocent-looking toddler saying to the detectives: “I was just enjoying my day playing with my Legos and she was rushing like she always does and she just fell down the stairs. How many times did I tell her to stop and enjoy the day? Carpe diem, mommy”.

Example number 2.  

Losing the pacifier or their favorite toy or even a blanket in the middle of the busiest road. They will insist they have to bring their toy with them wherever you go or that they desperately need the pacifier, and they will seem happy for a while. The moment you relax and stop constantly checking up on them, they will conveniently drop it.

I know what you are thinking, “oh you are overreacting, just pick it up and everything will be ok.” But, no, it is not that easy. They will drop it in the middle of crosswalk on the busiest road, and they will wait until the light turns to orange or even red before they notify you. The next thing happening is you running back to pick up hoping nothing will hit you.

Or if you are me, hoping they will hit you just a little bit so you can have short holidays in the hospital. Oh, peace and quiet how much did I miss you. Now some of you are thinking that luckily your toddlers are not using pacifiers or blankets and they don’t bring toys with them, but let me leave with one word: Shoes.

Example number 3.

Surprise kicks. In any given opportunity they will find a way to sneakily kick you. Just imagine it: “Your adorable toddler just coming towards you to give you a big hug or a sloppy kiss. Bam, surprise kick in the stomach.” We have all been there. Don’t even let me get started on them trying to reach something that is just beside you. Nothing is safe. Their foot will end up in your face, elbow in the gut, or my toddler’s favorite, head butt straight into the bladder.

The worst thing about it? You are completely aware of the fact your toddler trying to kill you, and you are enjoying every single moment of it. Parenthood is indeed the best example of the Stockholm syndrome.